You Should be Shamed!

How conservatives use shame to impede Democracy

Fifteen years ago, I became a single mother by choice with the assistance of IVF. I had no real plan. All I knew was that I wanted to be a mother. I lived in New York and wobbled around the city with my massive belly, trying not to take up too much space. Are you married? Is your husband excited? Do you plan to work after giving birth? These questions were like nails on a chalkboard and filled with assumptions about my life and what it should be.

I was not married. I had no husband, and I had no choice but to work after giving birth. Yet, there was no positive narrative in the public sphere about me or the life I was creating. I was an unwed, single black mother, and the only feeling I should be experiencing was shame. Not joy. Not anticipation, but shame.

To some, I was doing it all wrong and should be punished, or my life made harder because of my choices or decisions. And my poor kids, what would become of them?!

For me, this election cycle and the antics of many conservative operatives have brought into sharp focus the role shame plays in our politics. Shame, the humiliating feeling you’re supposed to get when you’ve done something wrong, immoral, or dishonorable, is everywhere nowadays.

Women are supposed to feel shame for having an abortion, not being married, being assaulted, not wanting to become a mother or for being a single mother, being independent, getting divorced, working outside of the home, being cheated on by a spouse, being educated, being competent, enjoying sex, desiring power, or not having enough money to make ends meet.

Poor people should feel shame for being poor and asking for assistance. LGBTQIA folks should feel shame for not being straight or cis-gender. Students saddled with student loan debt should feel shame for asking for relief. Migrants should feel shame for fleeing untenable conditions for a better life. People of color should be shamed for calling out racism and xenophobia.

Somehow, Donald Trump, no shame. Shame rolls off that guy like an oil slick floating above a large body of water.

For conservatives, shame is the name of the game. It is a critical feature of their agenda and playbook, not a bug. Shame is used to advance a very limited and exclusionary vision of society and democracy. It’s the idea that if you don’t play by their rules, you should have fewer rights, less say, or be forced into submission or compliance, if necessary by law. And that’s the way it should be.

Shame has no place in our politics or our democracy.

When we feel shame or undeserving, it directly affects how loud our voices are, how much power we demand, the kinds of policies we advocate for, and how we engage civically. When we are made to feel shame about who we are or the choices we have made, we disengage. It becomes too much work to convince others of our humanity, dignity, or right to be.

Shame can also turn groups with seemingly common interests or potentially shared fates against one another.

Conservatives talk a lot about freedom and its imperative in a high-functioning democracy, but they have done much over the last several years to erode it. They have stripped away the reproductive rights and freedom of millions of women, passed laws that limit access to the ballot box, criminalized parents of trans kids, and made reading a good book a crime, among other things. In the words of Tim Walz, they are not minding their own damn business.

As much as democracy is about the will of the people, it is about choices and the freedom to make choices and pursue my vision of a good life. It is also the freedom from harm or interference while making those choices.

It would be much more challenging if I had tried to become a single mother by choice today. A decision and choice that felt so private many years ago now feels like it’s up for public debate and scrutiny, with groups working actively to take away my choice. And that’s a shame.

Just as democracy dies in darkness, shame thrives in the silence. This is why I believe campaigns like shout your abortion or  #salarytransparencystreet on Instagram and efforts in the media to counter shame-narratives about women, LGBTQIA folks and their families, and many others are effective.

 We need to be loud and unapologetic about our lives and our choices.

Our aim should be not just to shift dominant narratives but to shatter them, replacing them with something more real, more complex, and reflective of who we truly are as a society and a democracy.

When we do, we create a new center of gravity that centers us all, and we can do away with the shame of it all.